An essay of covid feelings: This isn't working

*I originally wrote this on my Facebook, and Sarah encouraged me to share on our blog, so here we are. Many people shared, and this resonated and helped their souls. Feel free to share if you are called to*

Writing helps me process so here are my thoughts for today;


This isn’t working.


Trying to be even an average mom at this point is more than one can handle.


Pile on top having to work, and also building a side hustle, and facilitating virtual school

( note; in March when this started I thought that was bad, but to be honest we quit school about 6 weeks into it. This is worse. I feel like I’m solely in charge for my kid showing up and engaging in their education every day, and their failure is directly reflective of how closely involved I am)


No one trained for this. We were burnt out when it spiralled down again.

We all got a taste, a tease of freedom in the summer and it’s been a steep decline ever since.


No end date. No answers. Explanations that don’t make sense.


Don’t see grandparents, but if you can pay a nanny that’s fine.


Don’t bring your kids to the grocery store, but you can’t ask a grandparent to watch them for an hour.


You may get a ticket for driving around (rumours and gossip still contribute to people’s stress levels)


Try not to get covid, but we are going to take away almost every outlet you have available to preventatively treat your mental health.

We’re going to end this all either broke, depressed, divorced, burnt out, or with kids who are irreversibly damaged from our downward spiral.

..............

It’s hard if you have no kids, it’s lonely.


It’s hard if you have a baby, it’s so isolating. It takes a village. Where’s my village?


It’s hard with a toddler, they’re so high energy and we can’t go anywhere, we can’t get a break.


It’s stressful to be an essential worker, you’re worried about getting the virus, or being exposed to it and having to quarantine, you’re worried about your immediate family.


It's impossible to be a teacher, to have the wool pulled over your eyes at the last minute 3 weeks at a time, and then imagine being a teacher who HAS kids at home. AND THEN imagine the two teacher families!!!


It’s stressful to have primary school aged kids. This is an age where they can’t be home alone, they need you just enough for it to be hard, but don’t need you enough to justify not working. So you put it all on your plate. All hats at once is how I’ve felt for 10 months. Adults don't know how to compress their time, how to not get distracted by their phone, or social media. Put a kid on a computer all day, and they are going to end up on YouTube, or Minecraft. They don't know any better!


It’s stressful to have high schoolers. They are missing SO much. Their friends, their first loves, their first jobs, dates and parties, high school life! Proms, memories and independence building. They are trapped at home in an environment with incredibly stressed parents, and likely very few coping skills for this level of shit.


And the university/college students. The sorority’s, the meeting new people, the life you imagined yourself living is on pause. Your career goals squashed for a moment leaving you confused and worried.


The grandparents are torn between being afraid of getting the virus or dying having not seen their grandkids in a year.


The rule breakers do so for the sake of their mental health. They are doing the best they can. They aren’t trying to make everyone else’s lives difficult. They are surviving by fitting into a grey area instead of black and white. They are also riddled with guilt for their decisions, but the other option isn't mental possible.


The rule followers are stranded. Suffocating in their lives. Angry at the rule breakers, and frustrated they couldn’t do better, and just stay the Eff home. The anger festers as each week goes on. The blame, the finger pointing, its toxic.


The point of this message is; this sucks for everyone. The business owners, the essential workers, the single people, the parents, the grandparents... the kids, the teachers, and the people in charge of decisions.


Know you aren’t alone in your suffering.


A wise friend said to me tonight “just because it’s hard doesn’t mean we are failing”

I was so tired of “failing” today at being a patient mom/school facilitator...


I text messaged my husband and told him I give up.


I’m struggling and I can’t pretend anymore. He asked what I need from him and this is what I said;


All I need from you is to understand that I am far from my best right now. I’m pretending. And unfortunately you are stuck with the worst of me right now. Because I trust you’re not going anywhere. So you get the shit. You get my bitchy attitude. My exhaustion, my shortness. And I’m sorry about it. But the guilt of what a shitty wife and friend I am being to you right now just adds to my stress, and I just need you to understand it’s not you. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just shitty life right now and I’ll be nice again someday


Take that a


s your permission today.

Shelf something

There will always be time.

I’m putting being a great wife on pause for a minute and after saying this out loud I felt much better.


Anyways


You’re not alone

This will be over someday




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