I scroll to numb. That I will admit right off the bat. I remember approximately 2% of whatever content I am scrolling by. It is mindless, numbing scrolling and it is an addiction. I also emotionally eat, and shop when I am stressed.
Today I found a diary entry that my 10 year old had ripped out of her journal. It was the only piece of paper in her garbage when I emptied it. I didn't go searching for it, I respect her privacy. But there it was in front of my face. The thing I have judged myself for almost daily since she was born, written in plain view.
"I wish my mommy wasn't on her phone so much"
I can make all of the excuses I want.
-its my me time
-I am working (social media is a big part of my job)
-she was busy doing something else
-I am allowed to fill my cup.
But lets be real, it doesn't fill my cup most of the time. Its numbing my emotions, my burnout and my stress. I am constantly scrolling to look for the answer for things like; when is this stupid pandemic over?
is the world ok?
how do I feel better in my life?
The irony is I am simultaneously hurting my kids while searching for answers to make their lives better.
I hear parents constantly questioning if their kids have too much screen time, but we are are the ones leading them. I would love to give my kids a go pro to show my head buried in my phone multiple times a day when I could have my eyes up and open.
I am not shaming myself, because I know this is a deeper problem than being on social media too much. It's that I am burnout out, and I am numbing emotions and feelings I need to deal with in a healthier way. Meditation, walking, laughing with my kids, reading (sometimes I read on my phone, but I have a million books, and it's just a better visual), playing games, watching movies with them instead of scrolling my phone beside them.
The deeper problem has been bubbling below the surface.
The mental exhaustion of being the ticker runner for the whole family. The grocery's, the events, the sports, the cleaning, and then running two businesses on top of it. We all feel it. All different scenarios, but there are SO many moms that I know who are feeling the exact same way.
I don't have the answers, I never claim to. I did take a year off of my personal instagram once, but thats not where I am showing up these days. I show up on dynamic doulas, and there are parts of it, like THIS, where the connection is real. But those moments only require me showing up for less than 30 minutes a day. Thats NOT what my screen time is telling me I am doing.
I am going to be more conscious. I am going to use my watch, and not my phone. I am going to try some new things, and the biggest part is I am going to apologize to my kids. Let them know I am going to do better, and they are allowed to call me on it. I have enough time when they are at school to get the things done I "need" to do. There are actually no valid excuses for them feeling ignored, or not worthy of my attention. Does this add to the heaviness of motherhood, yup, sure. But I think its worth a pivot of my intention to see if it makes a difference for my kids, specifically my 10 year old who is already struggling.
Here is your reminder that all they want is you. Your attention. Your eyes. Your hugs. Your interest. That is IT.
You don't have to be extravagant. It doesn't need to be big and shiny.
Its just you they need.