Going at it a bit differently for the blog moving forward.
Does anybody even read these anymore? Lol. I feel like our instagram is a mini blog post every time we post.
SO... yesterday I had a free afternoon, and FELT all the pressure of the fact it was 20 degrees in November. I wanted to go Paddleboarding. I desired to spend the afternoon by myself. But the actuality of making it happen for me mentally is always a massive struggle.
If you know me at all, you know I am a massive celebrator of self love, self care, and being just mostly selfish! If someone called me 'selfless' I would shudder. That is not the goal. I want to fill my own cup so full every single day, because I am not ever going to waste a minute waiting for someone else do to it.
I have great routines, and spaces to make this happen on the daily at a minimum. Its the BIG bougie, juicy self care things that scare that put the guilt on my shoulders heavy like a boulder.
Here was my train of thoughts yesterday:
I want to go Paddleboarding, but don't want to annoy Ryan that I am driving too far to do it.
Oh I have a client that needs their pool picked up, I'll drive to Hensall *people pleasing* and get it, then I have an excuse to tie in some ME time.
I also have to drop off a gift in Kincardine *people pleasing*... holy shit, that's far. I don't think I can use my 20 degree day to be mostly in the car.
The kids will be bored, I'll set up playdates so Ryan can still get stuff done. *people pleasing*
I feel bad I won't be here for dinner, so I'll pre make dinner to make Ryan's life easier. *people pleasing* (let me also add NONE of these are Ryan's expectations, they are all invented by my own brain)
I also need to put away all the laundry and clean the house as a buy in before I leave this house. *people pleasing*
I should be staying home and getting ready for the week. *people pleasing*
I should be spending time with the kids/Ryan. *people pleasing*
I could just lay in the sun in the backyard.
I should be working on our business. *people pleasing*
blah blah blah.
If you don't know what enneagram you are, go find out! Sometimes I am SO a TWO it scares me. I usually have it under control, but I am not currently in great alignment and it almost won yesterday!!
The list of excuses went on. Eventually my clients from Hensall messaged me and they were actually coming to London. I decided to meet them there, and then continue on to Grandbend with my Paddleboard.
Deciding not to go would have been EASY. The silly thing is, I am sure if I stayed home I would have even justified it was the right decision for that day.
I pushed, groaned, and squeezed through the guilt. I put on 'Untamed' in the car, and the first quote I hear is
"I guess women need to die before we give ourselves permission to live how we want"
Dayyyyyum. That hit right where it needed to.
My kids are incredibly independent, and my husband is amazing. I am perfectly set up to be able to take off Paddleboarding for an afternoon really whenever I want to. But I create the expectations, the mental blocks, and the emotional load, making it a WAY bigger deal for me than it needs to be. I need to work on the unapologetic thing.
I got Starbucks, I brought a blanket, a book, and my board and heading to the bend for the most incredibly surreal November day I have ever seen. The lake was like glass. It was the perfect temperature. People there were all just in awe, and smiling, and so incredibly grateful it was contagious. I chatted with kayakers, other moms, older people coming for a November swim because they've never done that before. It was a day I will never forget.
I learned its worth it to push through the difficult things, because the more I practice it, the easier it will become to make decisions for myself. I have lofty goals of a solo paddling trip to Norway someday, and this day made me even. more excited for that experience.
The takeaway I want for you, YES, your mom guilt is going to be big. My husband actually doesn't even understand when I talk about how thick and heavy it is to push myself out the door every time. I'm heading out for a run doing a mental tally of everything I need to do faster because I'm taking this time (when really, I need to put down my phone and POOF there's two hours).
You are an important, vibrant, worthy human being. You are a pleasure to spend time with. Your relationship with yourself matters more than your relationship with ANYONE ELSE.
Read that again.
MORE THAN WITH ANYONE ELSE.
Im a work in progress, but unapologetic radical thriving is what I'm going for. Not just surviving.