Why is it so hard to actually prioritize ourselves?

Going at it a bit differently for the blog moving forward.

Does anybody even read these anymore? Lol. I feel like our instagram is a mini blog post every time we post.

SO... yesterday I had a free afternoon, and FELT all the pressure of the fact it was 20 degrees in November. I wanted to go Paddleboarding. I desired to spend the afternoon by myself. But the actuality of making it happen for me mentally is always a massive struggle.

If you know me at all, you know I am a massive celebrator of self love, self care, and being just mostly selfish! If someone called me 'selfless' I would shudder. That is not the goal. I want to fill my own cup so full every single day, because I am not ever going to waste a minute waiting for someone else do to it.

I have great routines, and spaces to make this happen on the daily at a minimum. Its the BIG bougie, juicy self care things that scare that put the guilt on my shoulders heavy like a boulder.

Here was my train of thoughts yesterday:

I want to go Paddleboarding, but don't want to annoy Ryan that I am driving too far to do it.

Oh I have a client that needs their pool picked up, I'll drive to Hensall *people pleasing* and get it, then I have an excuse to tie in some ME time.

I also have to drop off a gift in Kincardine *people pleasing*... holy shit, that's far. I don't think I can use my 20 degree day to be mostly in the car.

The kids will be bored, I'll set up playdates so Ryan can still get stuff done. *people pleasing*

I feel bad I won't be here for dinner, so I'll pre make dinner to make Ryan's life easier. *people pleasing* (let me also add NONE of these are Ryan's expectations, they are all invented by my own brain)

I also need to put away all the laundry and clean the house as a buy in before I leave this house. *people pleasing*

I should be staying home and getting ready for the week. *people pleasing*

I should be spending time with the kids/Ryan. *people pleasing*

I could just lay in the sun in the backyard.

I should be working on our business. *people pleasing*

blah blah blah.

If you don't know what enneagram you are, go find out! Sometimes I am SO a TWO it scares me. I usually have it under control, but I am not currently in great alignment and it almost won yesterday!!

The list of excuses went on. Eventually my clients from Hensall messaged me and they were actually coming to London. I decided to meet them there, and then continue on to Grandbend with my Paddleboard.

Deciding not to go would have been EASY. The silly thing is, I am sure if I stayed home I would have even justified it was the right decision for that day.

I pushed, groaned, and squeezed through the guilt. I put on 'Untamed' in the